oookz

I think I know why I’m always so afraid of opening up and I’m always catching myself before I fall. It’s like there are 2 parts of me. One part always says no, this is not the right thing to do, there’s always protocol and a series of steps I must take before I am certain. The other part is the intoxicated part; the free spirit, the one who gives in to temptations. Once again, I am torn. This feeling is eating me up inside. And doubt is filling my mind and heart, it’s clouding my vision. The one time I allowed myself to feel and let myself be consumed is exactly the reason why I never allowed myself to in the first place. 

Oh no, what have I done? 

I realise that I love to stop myself from falling. Do you think I’m scarred? A friend once told me that M really scarred me and now I’m just too afraid. A part of me refuses to believe that yet another part of me knows it’s true. Just when things start to look good, I always step back and push the person away. There’re always a million reasons why I have to. I convince myself that these reasons are legit.
But tomorrow I’ll be at the crossroads. I know where my heart lies, but I also know that if I take that path, disappointment is likely to await me. I can already feel it creeping up on me.
I once read that “though your heart is on your left, it is always right”. But sometimes I think those are just comforting words for idiots who follow their hearts. Because the smart ones do the things to protect themselves.
Brick by brick.